You may have noticed a bit of radio silence here on the blog, as well as on my social media accounts. While this is a “beauty blog”, I’ve recently been focusing more on the beauty that surrounds me which mostly includes my amazing family. I have to be honest, it feels wrong to be posting about my new favorite lipstick when my heart has been breaking.
It has been a challenging few weeks (well, months actually) around here. I try really hard to keep this blog an uplifting space, but I feel the need to share some of our reality with you. While positivity is so important to me, being real and tangible has always been my ultimate goal.
It is so interesting how life, just like the tide, tends to ebb and flow. I think we can all relate to that on some level. As a mom, I can really get into the groove of the daily routine. There are times when things are going great and I’ve got things under control. Then life throws a curve ball and it all goes out the window.
I’ve come to understand and accept the randomness that is children. With Veda’s need for routine, and also her random flip of the switch tantrums, I’ve learned to cope with planned unexpectedness. Being a mother is all about flexibility, it’s just really too bad that I suck at yoga.
Jude has some serious sensory issues, and they are becoming more apparent day by day. He has always been a sensitive kid and easy to upset. When he is happy, he is elated- I have honestly never seen a kid so happy. But when he is having a rough day, it is really rough for everyone.
He seemed slightly delayed as a baby, he didn’t start walking until he was about 16 months old and was slower to meet his milestones. I tried to brush it off because I figured boys were a little slower. And honestly Veda was so delayed that I really don’t know what is normal! Jude learned to say two or three words after his first birthday and then never ever said them again. To this day, our sweet boy has nearly no words. From mealtime to bathtime, everything he does is, well, quirky. And let’s just talk about sleep. This 19 month old kid is still waking every 2-3 hours. I’m really tired.
Did you know that if you have one child with autism, the likelihood that your next child might have autism is 20%, and if the next child happens to be a boy the risk goes up to 26%? While we don’t yet know if he has autism too, based on a lot of red flags we do have him scheduled for testing. When I took him in for Early Intervention testing, they strongly suggested that we have him tested for autism as soon as possible. Right now he is in feeding therapy, occupational therapy, and speech therapy. Between his and Veda’a appointments, we have a very busy schedule!
I can’t begin describe what it is like to have a second child with special needs. It is bizarre because this isn’t my first rodeo. I know what to expect, but it also feels so uncharted. I also know that with a diagnosis or not, my child is amazing and perfect. But my heart still breaks. I guess the best way to describe it is that it very closely follows the classic stages of grief. Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance. While that may sound dramatic, in a way you really do have to grieve the perfect life that you had anticipated for your child and accept and celebrate the small victories in life. While other parents are potty training, and teaching their kids the alphabet and sight words, we are doing happy dances when he chews AND swallows his dinner. I just can’t wait the day that Jude will look at me and say “mama”!
Honestly, I’m not really sure where I am at. Some days I’m angry, others I am sad. Sometimes I feel like I can take it all on. Sometimes I feel guilt. I, of all people, know what a huge blessing those with special needs are. I have felt that nearly every day of my life, with my sister and with Veda. But for some reason that doesn’t make it any easier. I don’t want my children to have challenges. I don’t know what it means for our future plans. All I know for certain is that I love that sweet bubba boy more than I could ever express in words.
While I have all of these emotions that I am still sorting through, I just want to say thank you. Thank you for sticking with me, and being so patient. Even just by writing this, I feel a huge weight off my chest. Thanks for reading and letting me pour my heart out to you. In a way I feel like I can start moving forward because my cards are all on the table, so to speak. I think lipstick might be in my future again soon.