I’ve had a serious case of writers block today. Most days what I want to write just comes to me, almost like an actual light bulb in my brain. This post has been different. I feel like I have so much to say, and yet nothing is coming. So I’m going to write what is on my mind right now. I usually call it word barf, but for some reason that seems unappealing so maybe we’ll go with word trail mix. Minus the raisins.
When I started this blog I had serious doubts about calling it a beauty and lifestyle blog. While hair and makeup has been my trade for many years now, I felt inadequate. It is what I am good at, it is what I know. But how could I enter this world of blogging and feel like I could stand up against the thousands of beautiful, thin, perfect beauty bloggers?? And my lifestyle… really? I mean, why would anyone look to me for lifestyle advice?? Unless you are into changing dirty diapers and doing laundry.. like really into it. Because that, my friends, is what I do pretty much all day.
A promise that I made to myself, and a promise that I make to you is that I will always be REAL. I will always be honest with you.
So, this is what you should know about me.
I do not feel beautiful most days.
The makeup that I talk to you about is the makeup that I put on approximately every other day, if I’m lucky.
I weigh 40 pounds more than I did on my wedding day. I’m writing this as I eat a gigantic ball of frozen cookie dough.
Mom guilt is so real to me that sometimes I go to bed wondering if my kids really know that I love them. I honestly wait until my husband is almost asleep (or has been asleep for about 2 minutes) and then I shake his arm and ask him if he thinks our kids know we love them. He totally loves it when I do that. haha.
My house is messy 98% of the time. Sometimes it takes my mom coming over and telling me that it smells weird for me to get things organized and tidy. Real life, guys.
If I see someone I went to high school with at the grocery store, I usually duck down a different aisle because I don’t know what to say and I hate awkward situations. I am slightly antisocial, and while I long to have loads of friends, I have a hard time opening up and putting myself out there.
I overthink situations to the point where I will talk myself out of doing just about anything.
Sometimes I feel like becoming a mother made me lose who I was in the first place.
Here is what else I know.
I am kind, empathetic, open minded, and feel the intense need to treat everyone with love.
I am a fiercely loyal friend, and though I have few close friends- the few that I have are like family to me.
What makes me beautiful may not be glowing perfect skin, but the wrinkles from laughing with my kids. It is the bags under my eyes from the many times I had to wake up in the night comforting Jude or tucking Veda back into bed. It’s the few extra pounds on my thighs because I put my whole heart (and a whole cube of butter) into making a meal for my family, or spent time making cookies with Veda.
I am a good mom, because I actually worry that they think I don’t love them and I try to do better. My house is messy because every minute is spent making them happy.
Becoming a mother didn’t make me lose myself, but turned me into a more patient and loving me. With a few extra stretch marks. I’m like Hannah 2.0.
I am clearly not the typical beauty and lifestyle blogger. Perhaps though, my shortcomings and faults are the things that you can relate to. Maybe, in the end, it is why you are reading this post and it’s what connects us.
And you know what I didn’t talk myself out of? THIS BLOG. I’m here, writing, living my dream. And you, my dear sweet friends, are making this dream a reality. From the bottom of my heart, thank you. Thank you for reading. Thank you for giving me five minutes of your day.
Maybe it is human nature to compare or to feel weak or inadequate. I think, though, that the real triumph comes in those moments that we make a deal with ourselves to do better. To be better. To make changes and to push ourselves to accomplish more than we ever thought we were capable of.
That is true beauty.
I think this is where I am at right now. I’m ready to push myself. Just as autism doesn’t define who my Veda is or who she will become, my circumstances don’t define me, they make me better.
Maybe this applies to you, or maybe you are totally rolling your eyes. Either way, I feel ya.
If you somehow identify with these feelings, I’m with you friend.
“The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen.”
Dr. Elisabeth Kübler-Ross